First off, much thanks to Ben M, Tone, and others for their input on video game nerds and gamer nerdology. I worked in the video game industry for a few years, and I've come across a wealth of vidiots, nerds, idiot nerds and gamer nerds. Me? I'm a combo nerd. I'm a nerd for a lot of things, but I'm also a nerd for video games. Luckily, I have strong enough morals and priorities that video games never come before my family, outdoor activities, and work. But, unfortunately, at times they do come before sleep, chores, and reading. But, its all just entertainment. The world is changing, and soon, video games will be THE largest form of entertainment for the masses.
For those of you who think I have WAY too much time on my hands...you're probably right, but this post turned into Pandora's box...and its been in the works for a week at least.
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Gamer Nerd Classification-A Gamer Nerd will most likely be a combination of the following.
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The Stereotypical Gamer Nerd: This guy...
Nuff said. On a side note, this picture has given me more joy and utility than most pictures, ever.
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Gamestop Employee:
The Gamestop Employee is a very potent group. They almost always have long hair tied in a pony tail, if you're lucky they'll be balding a bit. Glasses are near certain and they look like they might've taken a shower yesterday because there's wax build up on their face. They break off from the stereotypical nerd because of their pretentiousness and they condescend to you no matter what you ask them. Their bravado completely transcends what is socially acceptable anywhere but inside a Gamestop. It doesn't matter what Gamestop you go to, but when you enter, the store clerks always seem to be engaged in heated conversation about something that should never be so intensely discussed...like the ergonomics of the Sega Dreamcast controller or something. In the presence of a hot woman, they're known to pee (or worse) their pants. [my wife went in to buy me a very nerdy game guide for a present once and vowed never to go back. To her, she was like Indiana Jones in the opening scene of 'Raiders of the Lost Ark"; every step was incredibly perilous and when she reached the idol (game guide) a quick grab and go should have been so simple.] Nonetheless, they'll always force their opinion on the game you're buying and they probably play games as much as they breathe.
This is the closest pic I could find (below)...but you know exactly what I'm talking about if you've been in a gamestop. If you don't, go, take the kids, its like going to the zoo. You'll be dazzled with wonderment, but feel a small pang of pity.
- Favorite Snack: Jolt Cola and Lunchables
- Chance of being a virgin: 90%
- Residency: Parents
- % of population being overweight: 33%
- Pungency of odor: Extreme
- Ratio of real world friends to online friends: 1:10
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MMORPG Nerd / World of Warcraft (WoW) Nerd:
The MMO/WoW Nerd is something to behold. There are several subclasses just like there are several types of people who do hard drugs...and you can find a plethora on google. WoW does not discriminate, it does not hold grudges, and it doesn't care about your family. I know people who live more of their life in WoW than not in WoW. I know people who had more people come to their WoW wedding, than their real wedding. (Dead Serious) Its crazy. I have to admit I tried it, just to see what it was like, you know...experiment. I found that I was getting into a crowd that I didn't want to be around. They were always asking me what I was doing, who I was talking to, why I couldn't be around more, if I have enough mana to cast 'intimidating shout'...etc. It got to me, so I cut it off real quick.
For those of you who don't know, WoW is an Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game (What the??) Exactly. MMO for short. And its you, playing as a fantasy character (elf, dwarf, mage, wizard, etc) and you literally go around doing quests to get experience points (xp) which makes your character stronger and better. You can make and sell things, and run around with your online buddies and do quests together. Its all a huge, incredible waste of time. I was literally running (only running, nothing else) my character through the WoW world for 40 minutes (40 FRICKEN MINUTES!!!) and I realized what I was doing, shut the game down, canceled my subscription, took a 15 minute shower and never played again. Terrible.
But WoW nerds, the stereotypical ones, are powerful in their world. They like to escape from their mundane lives as Game Testers, or students, or construction workers, or whatever, and live in a fantasy world that makes them feel as though they mean something. To me this is the worst type of gamer nerd. Many WoW nerds don't even enjoy playing, its just the addiction that drives them. They don't play any other games because WoW takes over. They're usually found in such a state of denial that they cannot be reasoned with - "No dude, its actually a really fun game." I call shenanigans!!! I could write forever, but this picture sums it up. Note the wrist guard. Donald, in real life, is a quiet clerk at Home Depot, many don't even know his name. But in WoW, he is Eliondar, the 'Feared'.
Wow Nerds in their Natural Habitat
- Favorite Snack: Funyuns and Mountain Dew
- Chance of being a virgin: 58% *Many WoW players are married to other WoW players.
- Residency: Apartment/Parents/Dorm/House
- % of population being overweight: 50%
- Pungency of odor: Above average
- Ratio of real world friends to online friends: 1:381
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Madden Junkie/Sports game nerd:
If you saw one of these dudes on the street, or at a party, you'd never know they were a gamer nerd. And they'd even tell you they aren't. "Do I look like a guy who works at Gamestop???" But they will play Madden, or NBA2K, or Tiger Woods like its more important than watching Entourage. Madden has broken the conventional barriers of game nerdom. Its taken college football players and turned them into slop in front of the TV for 5-6 hours/day. Madden has taken perfectly good, chubby men, and turned them into chubbier, worse men. They probably have a very serious fantasy football career and wear jersey's while they play. Madden Nerds will tell you everything to know about football but when it comes to executing the plays in real life, forget about it. These nerds feel an incessant urge to constantly smack talk as their virtual players pound the other team, yet, they're still just playing video games...the smack talk just seems so trite. "I can't take all the credit for this win, my little digital players went above and beyond their capabilities." Don't underestimate their insecurities as there's a fantastic chance they suffer from little man's syndrome. Its most likely that their kids always want to play, but the particular game they're in is too important to spend quality time with the little ones. (I was guilty of this literally last night. I was playing Tiger and my daughter wanted to try. I said, "no prob, let me finish this hole." 5 holes later she was asleep on the couch. I felt guilty) But these nerds will never admit to their nerdom, living in denial and wearing $120 sneakers.
- Favorite Snack: Pretzels and Coors Light
- Chance of being a virgin: 25%
- Residency: Dorm/Apartment
- % of population being overweight: 45%
- Pungency of odor: Lectric Shave
- Ratio of real world friends to online friends: 10:1
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XBOX Live Nerd:
These guys are another group that fancies themselves to be much more important in their video game world, than in their 7th grade Gym class, or their Best Buy job. Any time they're in front of the TV they have their XBOX LIVE Brand Headset (super gay) and talk with a touch of Tourettes. Insolence is their name - Profanity and Sophomorisms is their game. (I made up 'sophomorisms'...sounds good though.) They play Halo, Burnout, and Call of Duty and are a "pretty big deal around here - I'm surprised you didn't know that." Sometimes they're just some kid who yells at their mom to bring them more 'Lil Smokies' and curses into the mic to make them feel like they're somebody. They overemphasize and overuse the term 'Noob' and they probably do everything they can to hide the fact that they play Disney Princess. Again, they're to be pitied and stared at a little.
- Favorite Snack: Lil Smokies and Monster
- Chance of being a virgin: 89%
- Residency: Parents/dorm
- % of population being overweight: 49%
- Pungency of odor: Fairly Strong
- Ratio of real world friends to online friends: 1:0 (they have no online friends - its impossible with that mouth.)
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Hopeless Romantic:
This Gamer Nerd is convinced that their diamond in the rough lies somewhere in cyberspace, waiting. They play MMO after MMO longing for companionship and connection, yet, in real life, they make no attempt to even date. They're always helping others out, in-game, with favors, assistance, money, and defense. The hopeless romantic is a great online friend to have, and you don't feel as bad for taking advantage of them because it isn't real life. Ironically, I know a couple, happily married, who were both Hopeless Romantic gamer nerds - and yes, they had a "WoW wedding". So I guess they really can find their pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
- Favorite Snack: Pop Tarts and Bawls
- Chance of being a virgin: 90%
- Residency: Duplex
- % of population being overweight: 87%
- Pungency of odor: Not too bad
- Ratio of real world friends to online friends: 1:4
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RetireWii Nerd
The Retirewii nerd is quite simple. They've overcome the slight depression that their kids are all grown up and now they are getting older. They see their grandkids get this thing called the Nintendo Wii. They think its "just a kick in the pants" or "the bees knees", purchase one with their Social Security Check and rationalize that its for the kids when they visit. They have wine and cheese get togethers where they play Wii Bowling, Wii Golf, and it gets to be a habit. The wife insists on getting Wii fit and next thing you know, they're playing all the time...sans kids.
- Favorite Snack: Bayer and Prune Juice
- Chance of being a virgin: 0%
- Residency: House
- % of population being overweight: 21%
- Pungency of odor: Odd
- Ratio of real world friends to online friends: They have no online friends
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Dance-Dance Revolution Nerd
If you've never seen this game being played, click here. I thought that this game was solely patronized by Teenasians but I am dreadfully wrong. Your typical Dance-Dance geek is usually a teenager and probably doesn't have a lot of friends online or in real life. But, to them, the arcade is like the roller rink for your thin, middle-aged, single male, short-short-wearing neighbor. Its a place where they are free to be themselves with less ridicule. From Dance-Dance Revolution spawned the Guitar Hero and Rock band of today...so its not all weird. If you go to an arcade where Dance Dance is played, you'll likely see a foreign exchange student from Japan or South Korea just feeling it. I watched a kid, who looked like he was trying to be an Anime character in real life, play straight for 20 minutes one time.
- Favorite Snack: Bubble Tea
- Chance of being a virgin: 75%
- Residency: Host Home
- % of population being overweight: 10%
- Pungency of odor: Sweaty
- Ratio of real world friends to online friends: 21:1
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Guitar Hero Nerd/Rock Band Nerd/Karaoke Revolution Nerd
We all know them. We're at a party, people are drinking, and the Rock Band gets busted out. Everyone's having fun, taking turns, until Mike's had a few too many and hogs the microphone. He gets really into it, and everyone's playing along because its Rock Band, its a party, and everyone's having fun, right? After the third time through "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden its like, JESUS CHRIST, time for Mike to take a break, but he doesn't. He starts playing MC, trying to get everyone in the room to sing "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys. (I've never heard anyone come remotely close to sounding good while singing this song Karaoke style.) People mosey into the room, more to see the spectacle than to actively participate, and there you are with your hands in your pockets thinking, how did it come to this? Are people really singing along? Rock band nerds...always a good reason to get another cocktail.
"Caaan't stand it, I know you planned it! Ima set astray, this wadgyway"...*high pitched, screetchy voice.
There's also people that are WAY too good at Guitar Hero? I watched some competition on MTV where the scoring was based on Difficulty, Accuracy, and Theatrics. The dude who won was jumping all over the place, rocking out, hitting the notes, making the solo guitar face contortions, and then smashed his toy guitar on the stage. Whoa. The judges asked if he played real guitar..."Never really tried..." What the hell??? If he had spent the same time playing real guitar, he could be in a band for crying out loud! It pissed me off.
-I have no idea what's going on here but it makes me feel uncomfortable ->
- Favorite Snack: Red Bull and Vodka
- Chance of being a virgin: 48%
- Residency: Apartment/House
- % of population being overweight: 25%
- Pungency of odor: a little funky
- Ratio of real world friends to online friends: 45:1
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RPG Nerd
Ohhhhh the RPG Nerd, or 'Role-Playing Game' nerd. They are special. They probably look, to the layperson, like the prototypical band geek/goth geek. They like to do LARPing, or Live Action Role Playing, where they can achieve perfect dorkiness in all its glory. They are a bit different than your WoW nerds because they like to read, a lot. They like to escape into their own fantasy world and not worry about having to deal with other, or lesser humans. The RPG Nerds think of themselves as mystical and deep. They smoke cigarettes, wear trench coats and might write the occasional poem. They talk proper, and look down on athletes. RPG nerds can smell their own, so where there's one, there's usually others - playing Magic Cards, playing Stratego in a movie line, or trading fantasy books. This video exemplifies RPG nerds for me.
- Favorite Snack: Filet of Fish from Burger King
- Chance of being a virgin: 89%
- Residency: loft
- % of population being overweight: 62%
- Pungency of odor: a little funky
- Ratio of real world friends to online friends: 1:1
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FPS/Counter Strike Nerd
FPS stand for 'First Person Shooter' if you don't know, and includes games like Halo, Counter Strike, Unreal, Half life, Left 4 Dead, Battlefield, Call of Duty. These games best emulate real life, and because of that, you have many real life scenarios play out online, with your 'clan'. If you watched an FPS nerd play their favorite game, say Call of Duty 4, you would think, 'Geez, how does she move and shoot so quickly.' The answer is, she's played a shit ton of FPS's and if you did something that much, you'd be good too. FPS Nerds are generally regarded as the top of the food chain nerds because the games they play require hand-eye coordination, and they usually carry a fairly active social life. FPS Nerds can get TOO good...and often make playing these types of games less than fun to the casual player. Its nice to have something you can be REALLY good at I guess. Being very good at FPS's at least can measured and quantified by your scores and kills. If you claim to be epic at Role Playing Games, people just assume you're gay.
- Favorite Snack: Gamer Grub
- Chance of being a virgin: 64%
- Residency: apratments/dorm/house
- % of population being overweight: 34%
- Pungency of odor: relatively low
- Ratio of real world friends to online friends: 1:3
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RTS Nerd
If you knew what RTS stands for (Real-Time Strategy), then you are a definite gamer nerd. Warcraft (not WoW), Starcraft, Command and Conquer, and many others are part of this group. RTS Nerds have an immense capacity to process information, and have extreme management and organizational skills. If you're starting a company, and want to hire an operations manager, the RTS nerd is your perfect candidate. You don't need to know anything else about them. If a kid is 12 years old and dominates at Starcraft, hire him on the spot...he's a wizard. South Korea has an unhealthy infatuation with StarCraft. They have a whole series of professional StarCraft leagues where the champions of the sport are revered like pro athletes are in the U.S. Competition venues are filled with girls cheering on their favorite 5'2'', 119lb hunk who does nothing but play Starcraft in most, if not all of his waking hours. I saw a documentary on this, and most of the pro players lead a really horrible life. Its borderline slave labor. They sleep 10 to a room, wake up, play StarCraft, maybe go to the bathroom mid day, eat through a straw and go to bed at some odd hour. Its wacko. But they get paid to do what they probably would have done in Grandma's basement. Bottom line, never get into a battle of wits with an RTS nerd, when death is on the line!
- Favorite Snack: Gamer Grub
- Chance of being a virgin: 57%
- Residency: basements
- % of population being overweight: 14%
- Pungency of odor: Medium
- Ratio of real world friends to online friends: 2:11
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Raging Gameaholic/Vidiot
They are hopeless, forever doomed to the land of virginity, and will never really hold down a steady job. They play anything and everything, their house is a mausoleum for old game systems and computers. They rarely wear much more than their underwear, and probably have small creatures in their belly buttons.
- Favorite Snack: Totino's Pizza Rolls and Rockstar
- Chance of being a virgin: 100%
- Residency: basements
- % of population being overweight: 92%
- Pungency of odor: high funk
- Ratio of real world friends to online friends: 1:87
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Fanboy:
Fanboys are devoted to one particular genre, company, or character in gaming. They always put down anything that is different from what they are devoted to and are annoying to the extreme. They are always at conventions marketing for a company that would never claim to be associated with them. And they look like this...
- Favorite Snack: Fruit by the Foot
- Chance of being a virgin: 90%
- Residency: Conventions and Movie Theater lines
- % of population being overweight: 92%
- Pungency of odor: Plasticky
- Ratio of real world friends to online friends: 1:1 - *they only have a few friends
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Racing/Flight Simulator Nerd
Sim Nerds are, as a whole, successful professionals in real life. They spent most of their time in school, studying, reading, and masturbating, so they never really explored their passions, or go out on a limb and try something they always wanted to do. So Sim Nerds try to live the lost life of what could have been through Flight Simulators, Racing Simulators, and even Railroads. My father knows a guy who travels around to different racing venues with an elaborate setup with multiple screens and a real racing seat for his racing simulator. Needless to say, he's single, as a lot of Sim Nerds are.
--No offense to Andy, I've shared emails with him, and he was a professional race car driver for a long time...but he's the prototype in my mind.
- Favorite Snack: Cucumber Salad and a Hefeweisen
- Chance of being a virgin: 25%, probably divorced
- Residency: 2 bedroom condo
- % of population being overweight: 32%
- Pungency of odor: Lectric Shave
- Ratio of real world friends to online friends: 2:1 - they only have a few friends
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IPhone/Cell Phone Gamer Nerds (Casual Core)
These Gamer nerds may have played some Nintendo back in the day, most likely loved Super Mario Bros', but now they have a new IPhone and the games are "so cool!". Basically, Jeannie bought an IPhone, fell into the 'games are only $1' hype, and wanted to make sure she was getting the most out of her expensive data plan. So rather than waiting at the bank, or the doctor's office, or for that email to come in, or for anything, now Jeannie can play a POS game that some development studio put out super quick just to capitalize on the 1 million Jeannie's in the world. Wonderful. The other side of this is the Japanese. They're crazy cas-core gamers, they've been cas-core since the 80's. Always way ahead of the rest of the world when it comes to technological gadgets.
- Chance of being a virgin: 19%
- Residency: Apartment/Condo
- % of population being overweight: 14%
- Pungency of odor: Low
- Ratio of real world friends to online friends: 51:1
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Solitaire/Peggle/Snood/Bejeweled Nerd:
Most of this group probably denounced the video games their children played in the living room. But now the little ones are off to college, moved out, and they have a lot of time that wasn't there before. It starts off with visit to aol.com to check their aol email (who has aol email accounts anymore besides middle aged women?) Then they start playing solitaire. Its fun...its addictive and it goes really well with a bottle of chardonnay from Beaulieu Vineyards. Then, while checking their aol email, they see an add for a free trial for Bejeweled and they're hooked. Multiple nights a week are spent in front of the ole Compaq Presario, sipping white wine and clicking away.
- Favorite Snack: Chardonnay and Camanbere
- Chance of being a virgin: 7%
- Residency: Nice Home
- % of population being overweight: 15%
- Pungency of odor: None, they smell nice
- Ratio of real world friends to online friends: 21:1
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